our giant movie review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) in 3D, starring Shia LaBeouf and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley,
the ridiculous length of the movie,
the end of the shaky camera fad,
a list of movies and TV shows Michael Bay ripped off (The Transformers, Superman, The Watchmen, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, and Jackie Chan’s Who Am I?),
illogical Duracell battery pricing at Staples,
our roll call of robots in the movie (Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Ironhide, Ratchet, Sentinal Prime, Starscream, Megatron, Shockwave, Soundwave, and dozens of unnamed robots),
Sentinal Prime’s face modeled after Sean Connery,
Bay’s horrendous computer animated version of John F. Kennedy,
Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) constantly screaming and crying,
Bay’s terrible Barack Obama impersonator,
Sam spending an hour going on job interviews,
Leonard Nimoy as the voice of Sentinal Prime and Galvatron,
various plot holes,
Optimus Prime actually wondering where his trailer went in the movie,
robots who were killed in the movie (the unnamed Scottish Autobot, Ironhide, Megatron, Starscream, the unnamed Decepticon bird, etc.),
our welcoming of the inevitable Transformers movie reboot,
Transformers spitting,
Michael Bay turning Optimus Prime into a ruthless murderer,
Peter Cullen and Frank Welker’s voice acting,
Shia LaBeouf’s recent acting career (Eagle Eye and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps),
Bay’s constant use of slow motion,
billions of dollars worth of damage in action movies with no consequences,
hacking into objects,
Bay’s ignorance of science,
the lack of rules and continuity in Bay’s Transformers movies,
What Ever Happened To? (Bugle Boy jeans, Z. Cavaricci genie pants, Zubaz, IOU sweatshirts, B.U.M. Equipment, etc.),
Roseanne Barr’s reality show Roseanne’s Nuts on Lifetime,
a Transformers: Dark of the Moon cameo by Scott Krinsky from Chuck,
Bay’s completely wasted use of 3D,
fans feeling obligated to watch bad movies,
Glynn Turman appearing in Super 8 (2011) and Gremlins (1984),
Sean Connery’s brother Neil Connery starring in bad movies: OK Connery (1967) and The Body Stealers (1969),
celebrity deaths (Peter Falk and Sherwood Schwartz),
Paul Reiser and The Paunch Stevenson Show episode 2,
and a new stupid style (extremely short cutoff shorts with dangling pockets).
